Casual Inebriation

For the first time in months I close my eyes and visualize pleasure. Balkan Beat Box is streaming through the speakers as I watch the notes dance behind my eyelids. Today was a bursting point. Too many days of misery, bad misery, not the good kind, not the kind you get through pain, through a cut that bleeds slowly down the blade that inflicted it. Rather the kind that leaves you fucked in the bottom of the gutter with nowhere to go except death, and you know nothing is on the other side, and the evangelical Christians who promise you something and keep your hope alive. This hour blood is on my face, a small amount of jagermeister is in my veins, and I breathe once again. I dream consciously about different times, better times. Times where depression was periodically replaced with extacy, orgasm, with the good stuff coming out of the other end of the pipe.

1 million health problems. All started by a little reddish pill. Kind of rust colored but not, rust mixed with a bit of tan, a bit of orange, a tinge of red. P. So I panicked. I was 24 and noticed my hair getting thinner. No wonder. A grandfather bald as can fucking be, a dead alcoholic addict father, a brother I cared about but never showed with brain damage from a fucked up football game, no income and adding to the $15,000 of credit card debt at 32% interest - that's over $5k in interest a year or $400+/month, a relationship going south because I couldn't care even if I tried, no prospect of a career (income). My only solace, alcohol. Which couldn't help this. So I saw the advertisements and went to the doctor. Take 1 pill a day, here are some rebates for the first prescription. Cheap and it will stop the hair loss and even help some grow back but you need to keep taking it every day. You are young. You shouldn't worry about such things. No permanent side effects. You might experience a little lacking in the sex department but it will go away if you stop taking it. But why would you want to? What girl would want you if your hair continues to fall out? So I took it. I always had an overactive erection so what's the big deal if it's affected for a while?

Fast forward 4 years. The loss of energy began. I remember running on the treadmill and then feeling like I was dead. So tired. So I stopped and hit the sauna. I'm getting older, must be age. Or alcohol? So I need to hit the gym more! But I'm tired at the gym... Grab an energy boost. Ja! These are all natural, honey and something else. That works but the time is increasingly shorter... Fuck. Now I'm getting a blow job from a freaky girl, she loves swallowing and even cum on her face. Great! But why doesn't this feel like I want it? I know I need it. Daily. Used to masturbate 3-4 times a day. Now I'm getting a blow job and cumming on her face and I don't really care. WTF? I'm outraged! If only I cared a bit more. What's wrong with me? Why don't I care? And is my erection faltering? Fuck! Better drink some more coffee, that always helps. Picks me up in the morning too, it's getting harder to wake up in the morning. Not just brain fog, hard to move. Hard to care....

Fast forward 1 year. The freak is gone. I've been sitting in my apartment alone for months. Watching movies. Some actually make me feel alive but it's not easy. I don't drink anymore, the hangover lasts for days. Don't work out either, working out leaves me feeling hungover, burnt out, wasted....Months...Friends around, I really don't care about anything. Too tired. French speaking virgin comes to town to see me. Yeah, maybe this is it. I just need to get back in pussy to feel normal again. So I fuck her. But I don't really care even when I'm doing it. Maybe a couple of times in the month. But fucking hell, I'm 28, she was a virgin, a young, hot girl in love with me. And I don't care....she's got to go, I just want to rest, can't even get hard enough to get a condom on...

Fast forward 5 months. I'm depressed. Life is shit. I work and do nothing else because I don't have energy for it. Then she decides I'm worth pursuing. The girl I let get away 9 years ago. This could be it. I know she loves me.... She comes, crosses the ocean. And I finally care about something. Because I can't fuck normally. And she starts to reject me. My insides tear. I feel alive even though it sucks it's great because I live. Then something strange happens. I become angry and get a hard on that doesn't go away. She's happy. She leaves in love barely able to walk, my cock is hard days after she leaves. The physical matters function normally but the emotion, I just stop caring abruptly. And so it goes. It works, I work. Physically. But mentally. Orgasms that rock me are very rare. Have only happened maybe 1 time in the following 8 months.

Now I'm here. That fucking pill. Hormone. Side Effects permanent? Fuck. Might as well have taken steroids. I'm empty. I drink about once every 3-4 months so I remember what it's like to feel. Drinking leaves me tired, kind of like too much sex, to much exercise, too much stress...I hope someday I feel happy again....even if it's laced with misery. Something. Anything.....

"Such is my trait! Do you know, do you know, sir, that I even drank up her stockings? Not her shoes, sir, for that would at least somehow resemble the order of things, but her stockings, I drank up her stockings, sir! Her angora kerchief I also drank up--a gift, a former one, hers, not mine; and our corner is cold, and this winter she caught a chill and took to coughing, with blood now. And we have three small children, and Katerina Ivanovna works day and night, scrubbing and cleaning since childhood, and she has a weak chest and is inclined to consumption, and I feel it. Do I not feel it? And the more I drink, the more I feel it. It is for this I drink, that in drinking I may seek compassion and feeling. It is not joy I seek, but sorrow only . . . I drink, for I wish doubly to suffer!" And he bent his head to the table as if in despair...